good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
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