worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
