she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The Olympian is in my bed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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