I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
