remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
