Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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