U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
