thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
