Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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