oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
