Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize