What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
