he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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