Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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