Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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