the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
