The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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