So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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