no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize