he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
