why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
too bad you live with your parents still
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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