Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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