I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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