I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize