So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
