You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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