Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
