He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
