i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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