We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
