How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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