i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
