I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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