i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
