false alarm. still invincible.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
