He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
