hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
