so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
