This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
