eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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