I wanna bring you to show and tell
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
