I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My breasts were aching with rage.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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