Your dad touched me again.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
