proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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