I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
