I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
