i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
