you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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