the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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