He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
