the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
