i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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