I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
