she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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