its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
