I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Blow job season was short but glorious.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
