I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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