Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
