Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
