Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
