I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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